


Disbelief

by nyren_is_tired



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Denial, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Heavy Angst, Post-Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, References to Depression, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Light Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:20:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28561941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyren_is_tired/pseuds/nyren_is_tired
Summary: Janus can't believe what's happened. And it hurts, somehow, that he finally is starting to be cared for.A//N: I started writing this on my wattpad nearly immediately after POF was dropped instead of doing homework xDHope you enjoy, as always <3
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

Brown eyes met mismatched eyes, and for once, Janus truly felt accepted by someone. For once, he didn’t feel so alone.

However, his thought process did not quite align so nicely once he was back in his room. It didn’t help that the darkened version of Thomas’ apartment held shadowy corners, and illusions to haunt you for days. It fed lies. And Janus. Being the embodiment of Deceit, heightened by his room, could not help but devour the lies fed to him as though he hadn’t eaten in days. 

“Are you honestly so stupid? You’re Deceit for Christ’s sake! You should be able to tell better than anyone when somebody doesn’t mean something,” the shadows hissed out. Realistically, Janus knew that his room was similar to Virgil’s - it could heighten and hurt them. However, he was used to it. Sensitive to it, but he lived there. So of course, he would’ve gotten used to the constant stream of lies. But, after having finally felt some amount of internal peace just a few minutes earlier - at least he thought it had been only a few minutes, although the clock would beg to differ - his walls were not up. He had not fortified his walls before reentering his room, having been too amazed by what had occured that very day. 

“I-,” Janus fell silent upon hearing a knock at his door. He was extremely startled, to say the least, as he’d never had anyone visit his room before. At the most, every few weeks Remus would appear and drag him out to show him his newest idea on how to murder someone. However, Remus never knocked - he just appeared. And Virgil. Virgil hadn’t come to see him in years - and Janus doubted he’d ever hear kindly from Virgil again. God, he missed Virgil. The knock repeated itself, before a voice called out,

“Hey kiddo, are you in there?” Patton. It was definitely Patton. Janus was too stunned in place to notice when his door cracked open, revealing none other than the other sides’ father. 

“-Us? Janus, is anybody home?” Patton poked Janus’ temple, smiling brightly. Janus sucked in a startled breath of air, coming back to the present. His eyes widened as he took in Patton’s sudden presence.   
“WhAt ThE heCk?! Oh my god,”

“Language,” Patton interrupted, squinting at him. Janus ignored him and continued.

“Please, consistently do that. I will always appreciate it,” Janus finished, recomposed fully again.

“If you say so!” Patton chirped, head tilting to the side slightly in happiness.

“Yess,” Janus said, exasperated. He was so completely tired of living this way. Nobody understood him. Patton looked at him, confused because his words did not match the way he was acting. Then, a light bulb went off in his head as he comprehended what Janus meant. Suddenly, Patton was apologizing.

“Oh my gosh! I’m sorry Janus, I hadn’t realized!” Patton rushed to get out. Janus just looked at him.

“Buuuuut, I’m still going to!” Patton giggled, “For now though, let’s not get some food, okay?” Patton frowned, “I didn’t say, let’s get some food,” his frown deepened, “No, I said that we shouldn’t get any food. No-” Janus cut him off after realizing what was happening by grabbing Patton’s arm, sinking out to the commons.


	2. Chapter 2

When they rose up into the commons, Janus told Patton,

“My room does not influence other people.”

“Interesting, I will have to make a note to investigate that further,” a voice - Logan’s - came from the couch. Janus and Patton became startled, not having realized Logan was in there.

“My apologies, Patton, Janus. I had assumed you would be aware of my presence.” Logan adjusted his glasses, looking up from his computer at the two. 

“Oh, it’s okay kiddo!” Patton beamed. Janus had long let go of Patton’s arm, and was still struggling to comprehend everything that was happening. He was nearly certain that Roman and Virgil would not be so civil with him yet. Still, even just two people being civil with him was a lot to take in.

“It would appear both Roman and Virgil have been in their respective quarters for a while, and may continue to do so for a while longer, considering recent events. Would either of you care to watch a documentary? I have just finished documenting today’s notes.” Patton giggled, and Logan scrunched his eyebrows together, confused at what was found funny. Janus looked at the clock, confused as to how it was already nine pm. Last he knew, it was early afternoon.

Apparently he missed something, as now both Patton and Logan were looking at him, hopeful.

“What did not just occur?” He finally asked.

“I said I’d love to watch Logan’s notes, and asked if you would as well,” Patton slowly said, before putting the back of his hand to Janus’ forehead.

“Well he isn’t sick. How are you up here, kiddo?” He pointed to his own temple, concerned. “We did just talk about how it’s important to prioritize mental health, remember?” Janus forced a smile, before replying with, 

“Not at all.” Patton smiled, relieved upon hearing what he thought was the truth, while Logan just stared at Janus, trying to figure out if he was being honest. Eventually, however, all three were settled on the couch - Janus considerably separated from the other two - watching a documentary. However, throughout the night, Janus couldn’t get rid of this nagging feeling. This nagging feeling that told him that everything that was happening wasn’t meant. They simply felt pity for him after Roman’s yelling, and the realization that he wasn’t all bad. He wished they wouldn’t act, that they’d at least not pretend to be his friend - that they’d be more like Virgil and Roman. After all, he deserved it, right?


	3. Chapter 3

Yawning, Janus awoke on the couch first. Noticing a light on in the kitchen, his automatic reactions engraved in him, he turned and quietly headed for his room. After all, he had been the last one to fall asleep on the couch the previous night, and he sure didn’t want to be found like that. It was much too risky, in his opinion. What if Roman or Virgil found him in such a vulnerable position? His thoughts, he realized, sometimes sounded a lot like Virgil’s - anxious. Maybe they were more similar than he thought - in that aspect at least.

“Speak of the devil,” Janus whispered under his breath upon noticing Virgil leave his room. Virgil stiffened upon hearing this, looking up from his phone where he had been presumably changing what music had been playing. Apparently Janus wasn’t always as quiet as he usually was when startled, or Virgil suddenly had really good hearing . Virgil hissed at Janus, eyes narrowed.

“You mean you?” Virgil hissed out at him, before hissing once more as Janus passed him, moving further away from him.

Janus just sighed, he could just never seem to escape things, could he? One moment he managed to fall asleep for a few hours, the next he had awoken at two am only to be hissed at and called a devil by the person who used to be his closest friend. Now, now he could only hope to have a friendship that trust and kind filled as theirs had been again. Instead, he had thought he’d never even get to the point he’s at now with them. Janus’ yellow snake eye darkened slightly at the thought. I don’t know how I’ve made it this far. I never thought I’d even see this day.

By the time he had made it back to his room, his thought process had darkened considerably. He just couldn’t understand how he got to where he is now, he couldn’t believe it was real. He kept thinking he’d suddenly wake up, and would have to face reality.

But he never did.

At least, not in the same way.


	4. Chapter 4

Janus would have cried if he could. Alas, he had run out of tears a few weeks after Virgil had left him for the others. 

His whole being hurt. Physically, he was tired and cold. Mentally, he felt incompetent. He felt like he didn’t deserve what little love he received now. After all, he would never be good enough. At least, that’s what his thoughts and room kept telling him. 

“You, Janus Sanders, are incompetent. In this society, you will never meet the others’ standards,” before Janus could even think to ask about the standards he already knew, his room continued feeding him.

“You’re emotionally unstable. You’re part snake - nobody likes snakes. You can’t speak normally - you constantly lie. You only hurt others. You. Aren’t. Good. Enough.” His room morphed shadows into each light side to punctuate each word. You was Patton, aren’t was Logan, good was Roman, and enough was Virgil. By the end, Janus could have felt a literal snap if possible. Instead, he felt nothing. At least, in regards to most things. The one thing he felt was determined.

He was determined to be better.

He was going to prove himself.


	5. Chapter 5

Janus awoke again around eleven to a knock at his door,

“Kiddo? You didn’t come down for breakfast and it’s almost lunch time, you should join us!” Patton worried through the door. Janus groaned, he didn’t want to get up yet. Nevertheless he opened the door to see Patton smile at him, happy he’d finally answered. Patton grabbed Janus’ arm and dragged him down through the commons to the table. When Patton finally let go and went to grab the food, Janus stood around awkwardly. He’d never been invited to lunch before. He hoped it would last, and that he wouldn’t ruin it.

A dejected looking princy side, Roman, walked in then. He grumbles something before sitting down at a chair. Only when he looks up to look into the kitchen at Patton, does Roman notice Janus. Janus looks at him, a bit of worry showing on his face. Roman just looks away. Not a moment later, Patton comes back in with stacks of Patton-cakes as he called them.

“Lunch is ready!” Patton called out.

“And Virgil, you better be out of bed by now, I’m coming to get you!” With that, Patton ran up the stairs, laughing. More laughing could be heard even from downstairs as Janus continued shifting around awkwardly.

“Soo...the weather is utterly understandable. You know, since it’s most definitely not literally raining cats and dogs,” Janus awkwardly spoke to Roman. After a moment, Roman turned to him.

“Do, do you think Thomas cares about me at all?” Roman slowly asked, quickly looking back to the table after seeing Janus stunned. ‘I could ask you the same,’ Janus thought. Instead, after a few moments of trying to think of a good answer, Janus heard footsteps behind him. And like that, Roman pretended nothing was wrong, giving Janus one short look of hurt and disappointment, it was like he flipped a switch. Roman was back.

Patton ruffled Virgil’s hair as they walked in, while Virgil kept swatting his hand away. Logan was behind them, looking slightly amused. At the sight of Janus, Virgil’s laughter abruptly stopped, staring at Janus. Patton looked confused and concerned, before following Virgil’s narrowed eyed gaze. 

“Now Virgil, Janus will be joining us for lunch. Don’t let that stop you from enjoying yourself. If you do, I’ll physically fight you. Would you like to add that to being tickled for not being up by lunch on the list of punishments for today?” Patton told him, much less serious by the end. Virgil’s gaze flickered to Patton, then back to Janus, before he sighed.

“No, I guess not. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit here and let him walk all over you whenever he feels like it,” Virgil responded, before brushing past Janus and to his seat next to where Logan had seated himself. 

After a moment where Janus was shifting awkwardly - being the only one not seated - Patton laughed and told him he could sit next to him. So he did.

Lunch was more like a late breakfast, and Virgil kept eyeing Janus suspiciously. At one point, Patton had even went around the table asking everyone about how they were doing that day. Virgil gave his usual ‘Fine’, and Logan gave, ‘satisfactory’ before getting into a debate with Virgil about how fine was supposedly not an actual emotion. Janus told Patton he was ‘utterly terrible’ (which wasn’t a total lie), before Patton turned to Roman after smiling, but Janus couldn’t hear what was being said. Instead, Janus picked at his food. By the end of lunch, he had only eaten a small portion of one Patton-cake, and had managed to make it seem like more had been eaten than in actuality. ‘Ah, the perks of being Deceit,’ he mused to himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Back in his room, Janus paced. 

“You should know this by now - They don’t care! When will you get it through your think skull, that at this point, you need to be perfect for them to even consider accepting you.” Tears began to form in   
Janus’ eyes at this comprehension. Before, well, before he didn’t give it as much thought. Instead, he gave more thought to how he could convince the others of something. Yet, what should have felt positive, somehow, didn’t. If anything, now he was more aware of the numbness he’d been feeling for so damn long. And now, now he had had a taste of what it felt like to be cared for. After his mistake...Virgil didn’t want anything to do with him. So, he blocked out emotion, focusing purely on the task at hand. But now, now he was reminded of the utter need he had for it. And he wanted it. But, it felt, somehow, wrong. He just couldn't seem to believe that suddenly they held any care. It just wasn’t how people work. But he was desperate.

“H-how,” Janus took a deep breath, cursing himself for stuttering, “I want to know how to be...perfect….” Janus trailed off, his mind fizzing out from thought. He was jolted back to his senses when he felt his room’s shadows start prodding, poking, and pinching at him.

“Here lies the first issue. Have you seen yourself? Maybe loose a little here,” the shadows pulled at his waist, “And some here,” they prodded his legs and arms, “Losing the scales would be great, alas, I’m not sure if it’s possible for someone like you to...but if you found a way, keep a few. Just to remind yourself who you are. A liar like you could never be accepted, anyways, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try, right? Adjust the personality, too.” And with that, the shadows retreated back to their respective homes on the walls, leaving Janus to ponder.

And ponder he did.


	7. Chapter 7

Virgil could feel Janus’ anxiety all the way from where he was on the kitchen counter as Janus walked into the living room. He suddenly paused his snacking on a piece of pizza so he could hiss. He hadn’t felt this brand of anxiety in a long while. Virgil’s eyes narrowed and darkened, so he focused on something else - chowing down on pizza, albeit now angrily.

Janus’ anxiety spiked a bit more at Virgil’s reaction, knowing full well Virgil felt his anxiety and yet did nothing but antagonize it. Am I still not good enough yet? Janus faltered in his step a moment, eyes flickering sadly. Of course not yet, idiot, you’ve barely even realized how dire of a situation you are to fix - how could you be fixed yet??

Virgil felt Janus’ anxiety heighten worse, then suddenly, stop. It was like somebody flicked a switch, and suddenly, he felt no anxiety radiate from him. Virgil furrowed his eyebrows, flicking his eyes up to Janus.  
But, Janus seemed fine upon his gaze. Yet, still the confusion remained. He figured he could talk to Logan about it - but stopped himself before he got past that one line of that thought train, telling himself he didn’t care.

And he didn’t.

Janus had gone numb again, and, feeling eyes on him, realized the way he was staring into nothing like that could give away his surprise.

He was working towards being good enough. He didn’t want them to find him in between imperfect and good enough - because that just wouldn’t be good enough yet.

So, Janus put his mask back on, turning to the gaze on him. He smirked at Virgi,l a smirk that was very fake. Hah, just like me. I mean, I am Deceit - so of course it’s only fitting that I, too, am fake.   
Hopefully once I’m good enough it’ll be well. Maybe I won’t need to fake it? Maybe I’d truly be happy then.

Logan walked in then. Seeing Virgil staring at something with eyebrows furrowed, a slice of pizza long forgotten, concerned him. He followed Virgil’s gaze to Janus, who was smirking. It didn’t appear good. He cleared his throat, effectively cutting into their thought processes enough to drag their attention to him. 

“Is everything alright?” Logan inquired, looking between the two of them.

“Yes mom,” Virgil dragged out sarcastically, making Logan both blush slightly and become confused. Now Logan furrowed his eyebrows as his brain tried to process what was meant, as he was most certainly NOT Virgil’s mother.

Virgil groaned, dragging a hand down his face, “Logan, it was a joke, have you never heard that one?”

Logan turned to him, looking like a toddler who was very confused by something they were told and didn’t understand. “Should I get out a blank index card?” He patted his pocket for an index card that was with him, before starting to sigh. Suddenly, an index card hit him in the face.

“Careful how many index cards you use, wouldn’t want to run out of trees either - then we might run out of oxygen as well,” Janus told Logan monotonously, before turning and walking to the couch. He sat down as eloquently as usual.

Logan looked at both sides of the index card. On the lined side, in a mix of calligraphy and print, was a new version of handwriting he had not seen before in the mind palace. He figured it must be Janus’ due to both the fact that he’d seen everyone else’s already, and because of what was written on it. Or, more like, attempted. On the index card, was written, ‘I don’t, no, I don’t apo-, if this hits you well, I do not apolog-’ After that, there was nothing else. It appeared as though the writer - Janus - had not been able to write without lying. Logan made a mental note to talk to Janus about it later.

For now he had some new vocabulary to learn.


	8. Chapter 8

After dinner - which Janus had skipped, yes, skipped, as he was actually invited by Patton for the first time that night. To which he turned down, reminding himself he couldn’t be good enough yet, no way! 

He needed to keep working on it, and if that meant skipping dinner to hang out with the friends in his room, well then, so be it. A knock on his door interrupted his thoughts. It was precise and firm, with each knock at the same volume. Logan, Janus realized, I can simply pretend to have heard or not be sleeping. He sighed and walked over to the door, trying to not make it obvious he just spent the previous hour and a half in his room and was still numb. He plastered his trademark smirk on his face as he opened his door.

Logan, who’d been about to turn away, spun on his heel back to face Janus in surprise. Janus just smirked, albeit a bit lazily, as he rested his arm up on his doorframe, the other still holding the handle.

“No? Were you not knocking?” Logan cleared his throat in response.

“Actually, yes, I had been knocking. May I come in?” Janus wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion. Logan wanted to come inside his room? While, yes, he could let him in, that wouldn’t be the best. Besides, why would Logan want inside his room? He definitely wasn’t good enough by any means yet, so wh - oh dear lord don’t tell me he’s going to try to stop me - oh, right, he’s still waiting for a response.

Logan was watching Janus quizzically, making a mental note of Janus’ seemingly zoning out again - and what appeared to have brought it on.

Janus blinked a few times as he came out of the closet of his mind back to reality. He was still gay as ever-

“Janus? Are you adequate?” Logan interrupted Janus’ thought process again, finally returning him to the moment. Janus blinked again, before frowning ever so slightly.

“My room does not have adverse effects on anybody.” Janus tells Logan as he steps outside his room, closing the door behind him, avoiding the question.

Logan adjusted his glasses and walked towards his room, Janus following after a moment’s debate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A//N: Does anybody know how to do stirkethroughs or italics on AO3? If you do could you let me know? Ty <3


	9. Chapter 9

Janus tried to hide the fade from numb to anxious as he was quizzed on himself.

“You mentioned your room has adverse effects on others. Would you mind elaborating?”

“Yes. My room increases subconscious lying.” He left out the rest.

“Interesting. Would that peg to infer that you, subconsciously lie?”

“No.” Janus wasn’t sure if he was lying or not. Logan looked puzzled.

“I presume you consciously lie then?”

“No.” Janus was still uncertain. Logan became increasingly puzzled.

“I -”

“Next topic.”

“Alright. How is your health, lately?”

“Excuse me?”

“I am asking because you seem to be ‘spacing out’ frequently, if I may.”

Janus’ anxiety rose.  
“I am in good health. I am not aware I follow.”

“‘Spacing out’ is when -”

“I know what it means. I have not been.”

“Alright.” Logan chose not to press the issue, holding his ‘FALSEHOOD!’ at bay.

Janus brushed himself off as he stood up after Logan quizzing him for awhile, not intending to waste away any more of his day. After all, he hadn’t gotten in exercise yet that day, something he’d been prolonging. His room had recommended it to him, but he had only very recently realized he’d have to take matters into his hands even more. The numbers on his scale weren’t dropping nearly fast enough for what he wanted. What he wanted was to be truly accepted, good enough right away. Alas, he knew it was impossible.   
He also knew that the first thing on his to do list was to tick those numbers down. And be nicer. Kinder. Find a way to help the issue of his scales. Lie less. Actually, maybe not that last one. But then again, how are they supposed to trust him if all he does is lie? But lying was the only way to keep his surprise a secret. Aaaaaa, he didn’t know, okay? He just didn’t know. That wasn’t the only thing he didn’t know however. Hell, he didn’t know his own emotions half the time! And he didn’t know what weight would be acceptable, yet. He was relying on the fact that he’d know when he got there. And what the scales were telling him just weren’t good enough yet - not by a long shot.

Janus flopped backwards onto his bed, groaning. He was far too tired emotionally to do anything but lay there. 

Quickly, he fell into a fitful sleep.

Guess he’d have to wait for another day.


End file.
